How to be rebuild your marraige after your spouse cheated you
Honestly after your spouse cheated on you, it should be they that should strive to make it better. But yes, then again, relationships are a two way street and you both have to put in effort if you want to rebuild it again. First of all understand that cheating is 100% a choice. It is not a ‘mistake’. To move forward, first accept this fact: they chose to cheat on you.
If you still wish to continue your relationship, then these are the following things you have to go ahead and do –
- Take your time to forgive
Don’t rush to forgive them. If you want to, you can keep it to yourself. That is, if you have already forgiven them, it’s okay to tell them at your own time. Realize that if you ignore your feelings (of insecurity, dejection and hurt), right now, they will find their way back into your relationship later. And that might be the end of it. So, it’s best to let these feelings go slowly.Trust once gone takes time to build. Give that time to yourself. Nearly 40% of marriages end within 24 months after they are discovered. This is because of hostile communication, dejection, etc. So while you take your time to forgive, don’t be harsh on your spouse. Eventually, try to forgive them and see them as a human being. But you don’t have to pressurize yourself to feel these things. Let them come naturally, but until then, maintain a verbal decency and harmonious distance.
- Embrace total transparency
Again, you both have to do it together. Ask your spouse and you do this too. Infidelity is something that shakes the very foundation of your relationship. Relationships, especially marriage, are built on trust and loyalty. By being infidel, the person completely shakes the core of marriage. It then takes time to build this once again. So the first and the foremost task right after forgiveness is to heal that broken part of your marriage.You have to start right where it was broken. Start talking! Talk honestly. Be completely transparent with your partner. Especially, if they have cheated on you, ask them to do it too. Tell them to tell you exactly how it happened and truly listen. Transparency means being an open book to someone. So open yourselves up to each other so that it is easy for others to see and verify the truth for themselves. This will put a lot less pressure on the relationship.
It is the fastest way to heal your broken trust. Share your passwords with your spouse allow them to see all your activities. Be absolutely honest about what you feel and think. Again, don’t forget, it works both ways.
- Find the deeper cause and heal it
Love doesn’t cause you to be immune to temptation. Plus, there’s always something that you can learn from even the worst of situations. Now that your relationship is so fragile, take a look at the things that went wrong in the partnership and take out time to heal them.
Maybe even you can create the best relationship now that you know what went wrong. But don’t beat yourself up in the process. Ask your spouse about the issue and really have a “heart to heart”. You will find that there were some underlying issues in your relationships that were left unresolved. Once you find them, you know you can be on your way to solve them.
- Rediscover what makes you happy in a relationship
What makes you happy in a relationship, might not be the same thing that makes them happy. Eventually we all want just 4 things from a relationship: love, communication, trust and intimacy. Now the things you want might differ. The way you define intimacy-happiness might not be the way that makes your partner happy. They might have a totally different need in terms of love, communication and intimacy.
Give your partner a sheet of paper and mark 4 columns under it: love, trust, intimacy and communication. You take a similar sheet of paper. Under it, write down what makes you happy and shows “love” for you. Ask them to do the same. Similarly, write down how you love to be intimate and what you love to talk about.
After you have finished writing the columns, exchange the sheet and see what your partner wants. Do these for each other silently. Put effort.
- Learn to master relationship skills
Some people say “love is all you need.” But when it comes to a relationship, it’s like saying “oxygen is all you need to live.” You see there is a difference between living and thriving. Similarly, for a relationship to thrive you need to not only love, but love skillfully.
In order to do this, you might have to go to relationship counseling or read some self-help books. Talk to other couples about what it takes to keep the relationship in the long run. Every human being can love, but not everyone can keep a relationship going. Have you noticed that? That’s because relationship requires some sort of a skill or talent to keep going.
- Reshape your mind
Embrace the beginner’s mind. You might be in the middle age and you have to keep your mind fresh – that’s what can help you move along. You can keep your hopes up and aspire for the future. Be spontaneous. Hire a babysitter and go away for a weekend. Romance doesn’t renew itself it is a commitment of a lifetime. So pay attention.
List of Do’s and Don’ts
|1||Accept your feelings of anger and hurt||Take a step out of anger or hurt|
|2||If needed, consult a couple therapist||Blame or punish them constantly|
|3||Take your time to heal completely||Share information with your kids|
|4||Go with the cost-benefit analysis||Ask your partner for details about it|
|5||Be open to your spouse’s apologies||Be in a hurry to heal|